Modern Love

When I was first pregnant, I was in it by myself. He said he'd contact me later in life, wanted nothing to do with us. And I was in survival mode. I did what it took to create a life I felt would be conducive to a life with a baby. And I did it. I built my own support system. I am proud of that every single day because she was now my reason for living.

When we reconciled to the point of him telling me he wanted to be my baby's father because he changed his mind, he just didn't want me and his feelings for me wouldn't grow because I was carrying our child, I forgave him, and we would talk almost daily. It then became every few days, once a week, and now it's on occasion. Once what I considered to be a significant part of my life is now a brief memory in time. I no longer think of him as I used to. His energy is no longer with me. I don't sense him very much anymore. He is truly in the past like how you walk the streets of New York and see crowds of people walking. He is one of those people walking in the distance if I look back.

I still don't understand why he felt the need to tell me he had met someone and was in a relationship with her, while I was still pregnant.

He does not have any power over my life or my feelings. In fact, I am so thankful for him because he was the catalyst for me deciding that I will no longer be dating or giving time to the opposite sex. I have absolutely no interest anymore. I do not limit myself with this decision, but I will be extreme when it comes to talking to men. If you want to my friend, ok. But nothing will go beyond that. I have a beautiful baby girl that I am teaching and influencing every single day. And the last thing I want is to raise her without understanding boundaries, toxic behavior, and abuse, among so many other things.

I remember one of the last things he said to me, that made me believe that he was just as serious about me as I was about him, He said, "I want our babies to have your eyes." You don't say that to someone if you're not serious.

Modern love is not for me. Not right now. Maybe one day; but I'm not going to hold my breath.



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