La Trenza del Barrio

I just saw my dad. As soon as he spoke, I knew. He called me Pido. His pet name for me. I don't think he will experience 2021. These tears are caused by a life review. I have always wanted a father. I have always wanted a father who was present, engaged, communicative. I have always wanted a family. I don't even know what parents are. Are they the two sick, broken people that made me? The two people who tortured each other, abused each other, hated each other, but believed in until death do us part? How do you mourn over someone you don't even know? I suppose it's the same way I mourned over the man that is my daughter's father.  My God this year has been hard for so many reasons.  I tend to look at life as positive as possible. It's what makes me, me.  This life review has made me think about everything. It has made me want to reach out to my daughter's father, to tell him that my daughter won't even know her grandparents, that perhaps she could know he...

Some of the biggest changes to my life have come that moment I knew I would become a mom. I knew that what I had been doing was not exactly what I could be proud of. I had internal work to begin again, even while I was pregnant. I learned how to take care of myself. I nourished my body with plenty of water, I took my vitamins, prepared beautiful meals, catered to my body; all because of my little girl. The awakening happened. The being born again happened.  I joined a church and found God.  I learned what it means to be assertive and to establish boundaries. And if a person violates those boundaries, they are removed from my life, without explanation. I don't owe anyone anything.  Now I choose. Me. I choose. 

I haven't written for what seems like forever. I find myself sifting through so much as I write these words. I think about the experiences I've had since giving birth.  I find myself facing the new; new feelings, new experiences; a whole new life. I am also finding the opposite sex foreign and undesirable, in the romantic relationship type sense. It just doesn't make logical sense in my mind anymore. I have zero interest in spending what little time I do have, on anyone other than myself. As if I would ever miss an intimate relationship. Ha! I think that Aquarian independence is quite front and center after a life full of fairy tale bullshit.  And let me tell you something. I don't know about any other woman's experiences. But after you give birth, priorities change. I could go the rest of my life not having sex. Seriously.  I know what you're thinking. No. I am not bitter. So, what is truth? Do you really think that there is just one truth out there? How many p...