Trust
Trust. It is a powerful word that carries such a significant amount of weight to it. And then, once it has been misused, it's a done deal. I read somewhere that red flags are to be considered, but at this point in my life, red flags are deal breakers for me. They have to be. Trying to come out of the cycle of abuse has been challenging because it's like I am a newborn trying to decipher between right and wrong. I always see the good in people even when they're not necessarily good. Learning what a healthy relationship entails is why I've not dated for a little over a year and a half. It has been a little over a year and a half since my divorce.
The ultimate betrayal. What has yours been? We have all been betrayed before, in some way, shape, or form. I remember being cheated on such a long time ago; still a young 20 something year old. It killed me though. I still remember crying with him, thinking I did something wrong. It just wasn't something that was meant to be permanent. And at that time in our lives, we always think things will be permanent. I have learned that there is nothing permanent about anything.
I remember the first time I was slapped in my face. I think I was 17, 18 years old. I don't even remember what it was about though. I do remember the lock jaw that it caused. Anytime I am extremely cold or in an intense situation, it locks on me. My crooked smile is a result of that blow. Check out my photos. You'll see it now that I pointed it out.
I remember the second time I was hit in my face. It actually left a welt and I had to cancel the plans I had that day to hide away for it to heal. But that wasn't before I knocked his ass down too. What the hell did I become? So much rage. Why did I forgive? Why? Oh yeah. I used to see my parents do that.
I remember the psychological manipulation. I allowed it twice from two different men. One scared me almost to death when he told me that he was homicidal and suicidal after an episode of his own PTSD, bipolar, and depression that I knew nothing about at that time. I suffered from symptoms of PTSD as a result. And my health deteriorated. Back surgery. I should have known. I tried to leave. I told him I didn't belong there. Eventually, I got out. This is what began my journey with learning about mental illness. And then I saw patterns but still didn't quite understand.
Counseling. Years of it.
The other almost left me for dead. My spirit was depleted and deteriorated. The lies. The deceit. The cheating. The abuse. Life didn't make sense. I didn't make sense. I doubted myself. I was extremely exhausted. My body began rebelling against me again. He was a master manipulator. Master. Narcissistic abuse is the hardest thing to recover from in my opinion. The physical wounds heal, but the psychological wounds take time to manage because you try to figure out why a person could be so evil and still wear a smile on their mouth like they're innocent.
Counseling. More.
Trusting myself. It is something I'm only just learning how to do. I have listened to how I've been guided lately and sometimes it kind of scares me how my whole being goes into overdrive with my emotions because of being unusually compelled to do something.
To the next person I will eventually allow into my life: I will be whole when I meet you. Until then, I will be healing. I owe it to myself and the person that will be deserving of my love; because my love is badass and hardcore and real and authentic and deep and amazing and loyal and patient and kind and pure.
The ultimate betrayal. What has yours been? We have all been betrayed before, in some way, shape, or form. I remember being cheated on such a long time ago; still a young 20 something year old. It killed me though. I still remember crying with him, thinking I did something wrong. It just wasn't something that was meant to be permanent. And at that time in our lives, we always think things will be permanent. I have learned that there is nothing permanent about anything.
I remember the first time I was slapped in my face. I think I was 17, 18 years old. I don't even remember what it was about though. I do remember the lock jaw that it caused. Anytime I am extremely cold or in an intense situation, it locks on me. My crooked smile is a result of that blow. Check out my photos. You'll see it now that I pointed it out.
I remember the second time I was hit in my face. It actually left a welt and I had to cancel the plans I had that day to hide away for it to heal. But that wasn't before I knocked his ass down too. What the hell did I become? So much rage. Why did I forgive? Why? Oh yeah. I used to see my parents do that.
I remember the psychological manipulation. I allowed it twice from two different men. One scared me almost to death when he told me that he was homicidal and suicidal after an episode of his own PTSD, bipolar, and depression that I knew nothing about at that time. I suffered from symptoms of PTSD as a result. And my health deteriorated. Back surgery. I should have known. I tried to leave. I told him I didn't belong there. Eventually, I got out. This is what began my journey with learning about mental illness. And then I saw patterns but still didn't quite understand.
Counseling. Years of it.
The other almost left me for dead. My spirit was depleted and deteriorated. The lies. The deceit. The cheating. The abuse. Life didn't make sense. I didn't make sense. I doubted myself. I was extremely exhausted. My body began rebelling against me again. He was a master manipulator. Master. Narcissistic abuse is the hardest thing to recover from in my opinion. The physical wounds heal, but the psychological wounds take time to manage because you try to figure out why a person could be so evil and still wear a smile on their mouth like they're innocent.
Counseling. More.
Trusting myself. It is something I'm only just learning how to do. I have listened to how I've been guided lately and sometimes it kind of scares me how my whole being goes into overdrive with my emotions because of being unusually compelled to do something.
To the next person I will eventually allow into my life: I will be whole when I meet you. Until then, I will be healing. I owe it to myself and the person that will be deserving of my love; because my love is badass and hardcore and real and authentic and deep and amazing and loyal and patient and kind and pure.
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