The Foundational Groundwork
They did the best they could.
The foundational groundwork that I was exposed to as a child required me to fix the many holes that affected me a young person haphazardly evolving into an adult. We did not grow up with religion. I mean, we were Catholic, but not practicing Catholics. The ironic part is that my mother is quite religious. But my mother used to say that my father wanted nothing to do with church. So we never went. Her and I would go on occasion, together. And at one point, I was a part of the church choir, but it would never be a solid foundation. I would explore Philosophy and other religions later on in life because of my natural curiosity of things and I would embrace many pieces from all of them.
The foundational groundwork that I was exposed to as a child required me to fix the many holes that affected me a young person haphazardly evolving into an adult. We did not grow up with religion. I mean, we were Catholic, but not practicing Catholics. The ironic part is that my mother is quite religious. But my mother used to say that my father wanted nothing to do with church. So we never went. Her and I would go on occasion, together. And at one point, I was a part of the church choir, but it would never be a solid foundation. I would explore Philosophy and other religions later on in life because of my natural curiosity of things and I would embrace many pieces from all of them.
The exposure to the fighting was the foundational groundwork. The exposure to the many times my mother would run away was the foundational groundwork. The name calling, the yelling, the throwing things, the cursing, that foundational groundwork became a broken record. We came later in life, and never saw the physical foundational groundwork that the first three would tell us they saw and experienced. We saw the aftermath. I understood none of it. I mean, how could you understand when there was no explanation. And how could you know that it had nothing to do with you until so many years later of truly understanding what abuse is.
You don't understand the influence it has on your life until you do.
They still abuse each other to this day; which is why it is hard to be around them.
It is as if all of the abuse lead my mother to stay stuck in time to relive every single traumatic experience which would force her to talk about it every time I visit. It is as if something triggers those memories to recount her tales of horrific events. Living on a loop of trauma, since they were married at 18, now going on 74. ...Think about it for a minute...
When we were children, of the many stories she would tell us, mom would recount how she would iron all of my father's clothes, from his button down dress shirts, dress pants, to his socks and underwear. He is a former Marine.
I have never felt completely connected to my parents. I try to. I so desperately want to feel a part of something, sometimes. I think that's why I never started a family of my own. To deny myself of what I wanted but didn't think I deserved. Damn...it is amazing to own this as I write this down.
Most of my memory of my childhood, I have no recollection. I do have some good one's, which I hold on to tightly.
I learned later on in life, that after being exposed to trauma, the brain tucks it away for survival purposes. I pray for the day that I get my short term memory back, fully restored. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be.
Healing from this has been a most magnificent adventure. I realized through time, that all of their regrets were projected unto their children. And it was as if I was trying to make them proud of me in search of praise that I would never receive, and if I did, I didn't truly believe it. Graduation day for my Masters Degree, for example, consisted of my mother telling me about the dress I chose to wear; which at the time, I was in the best shape of my life. She said, "You look good now, but if you were to lose more weight, you would look better." Which, I have always been close to the same size I am right now. No matter how hard I was working out at the gym. There is no way I will ever be petite like her. I am an average sized woman.
My silent vow of being an example for others was crucial to the commitment I made to myself that I wouldn't be like them; even though so many aspects of my life I had failed miserably to live up to.
This absolutely comes off as harsh, which I mean no disrespect at all. I love my parents so much. They are the only parents I know. They did the best they could. And this exposure was an impactful part of the life lessons that have molded me into who I am today. I have worked so hard to get to where I am now.
This foundational groundwork has been one of the greatest lessons of learning perseverance, and self-love that I could ever ask for. All of the lessons forced me to look at the residues of life that no longer served a purpose. Living a life of love, self-acceptance, and forgiveness, for myself and only me, I have the newfound freedom to truly understand that all of that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I release it for the lessons it taught me because I am happy to be where I am right now, in this moment.
The ebb and flow of life presents you with things that serve a purpose. It is so important to embrace what the universe gives to you. And it is important to know the time in which to allow it and when to let it go. It will become louder if you ignore it. It's funny how that happens. Through the biggest tragedies come clarity. We do not have to make it so hard, yet we do, because we do not have the necessary tools to grasp its meaning at that time of the experience. Trusting must become a full-time job in this thing called life.
We learn who we are by reflecting on ALL of who we are.
This is a glimpse of my foundational groundwork.
When we were children, of the many stories she would tell us, mom would recount how she would iron all of my father's clothes, from his button down dress shirts, dress pants, to his socks and underwear. He is a former Marine.
I have never felt completely connected to my parents. I try to. I so desperately want to feel a part of something, sometimes. I think that's why I never started a family of my own. To deny myself of what I wanted but didn't think I deserved. Damn...it is amazing to own this as I write this down.
Most of my memory of my childhood, I have no recollection. I do have some good one's, which I hold on to tightly.
I learned later on in life, that after being exposed to trauma, the brain tucks it away for survival purposes. I pray for the day that I get my short term memory back, fully restored. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be.
Healing from this has been a most magnificent adventure. I realized through time, that all of their regrets were projected unto their children. And it was as if I was trying to make them proud of me in search of praise that I would never receive, and if I did, I didn't truly believe it. Graduation day for my Masters Degree, for example, consisted of my mother telling me about the dress I chose to wear; which at the time, I was in the best shape of my life. She said, "You look good now, but if you were to lose more weight, you would look better." Which, I have always been close to the same size I am right now. No matter how hard I was working out at the gym. There is no way I will ever be petite like her. I am an average sized woman.
My silent vow of being an example for others was crucial to the commitment I made to myself that I wouldn't be like them; even though so many aspects of my life I had failed miserably to live up to.
This absolutely comes off as harsh, which I mean no disrespect at all. I love my parents so much. They are the only parents I know. They did the best they could. And this exposure was an impactful part of the life lessons that have molded me into who I am today. I have worked so hard to get to where I am now.
This foundational groundwork has been one of the greatest lessons of learning perseverance, and self-love that I could ever ask for. All of the lessons forced me to look at the residues of life that no longer served a purpose. Living a life of love, self-acceptance, and forgiveness, for myself and only me, I have the newfound freedom to truly understand that all of that has absolutely nothing to do with me. I release it for the lessons it taught me because I am happy to be where I am right now, in this moment.
The ebb and flow of life presents you with things that serve a purpose. It is so important to embrace what the universe gives to you. And it is important to know the time in which to allow it and when to let it go. It will become louder if you ignore it. It's funny how that happens. Through the biggest tragedies come clarity. We do not have to make it so hard, yet we do, because we do not have the necessary tools to grasp its meaning at that time of the experience. Trusting must become a full-time job in this thing called life.
We learn who we are by reflecting on ALL of who we are.
This is a glimpse of my foundational groundwork.
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