The Art of Letting Go
I think the hardest thing for me throughout this process has been the knowing that I must let the father of my child go. Yeah...I'm still trying to let him go. He doesn't know that though. I refuse to tell him. I would rather take it to my grave. I know he's been done with me for a while. Well...since we found out I was pregnant.
It must be a memory, it must be a feeling, it must be a soul tie. Something. What do I miss? Hell, I don't even know. I barely know him anymore. I barely knew him to begin with. But there is a sentimentality there, still. Knowing what could have been...knowing what was supposed to be...knowing what our soul contracts were. And knowing now that it will never happen because of what he said and how he views the mother of his children, and now me. I don't wish to hold on to that anymore. It's too painful for me. To process the fact that he does not believe in trying to continue to build a relationship with the mother of his child kills me if I allow myself to think about it. I want to steer clear of those thoughts and just wish him his own healing for whatever lead him to believe in that life perspective. You can't fight for something you don't believe in anyway, no matter the circumstances which lead you to that point in your life. His experience must have been pretty bad to not have trust in what I thought we had with each other, and that having his child completely eliminates the possibility of a future together. That is my fault for believing that it was possible. What I do know is that when someone chooses to exit, I know to let them go because that is the universe's way of telling me that something better is on its way.
I don't even wish to bring it up with him either. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. He changed his mind when it came to our child, which I am grateful for. That, for me, is the only thing that I care about. He didn't change his mind when it came to me. And that's fine. I have had to really gain greater perspective of my own self-worth with this situation. What a test! I know that I am valuable. I know that I am amazing and special and loving and I have a lot to offer. This is what I will give and more to my baby girl. How he feels has nothing to do with me. It's why I did what I did. I took charge of my life even harder than before, with grace and determination. I bought a house. I set up shop for me and my little family. Me and baby girl. I can only depend on me. And I won't sell myself short of what I know I deserve and what my baby deserves.
Sure I cried. Who wouldn't? I have emotions. I have feelings. I am human. I thought about my baby. I thought about going through this entire process by myself. But the emotions soon turned to strength and resilience. I was not about to give up. I never do. And I never will.
I don't think I could ever trust him again. How could I? I would just always think he is going to leave when the going gets tough if it were to ever come to a relationship other than friendship. And I'm tired of being thrown away. I know for one that I will never throw me away.
I am a ride or die type of person. I do love him. I always will. But I will love him as the father of our child. I believe the only way I can trust him is as the father of our child. And even that I'm sure will take me some check-ins with myself from time to time. I'm not going to sugar coat the way I feel.
So much time has passed and my focus has been on myself and my baby to make sure that I'm taking all of the necessary precautions for my physical body and wellbeing. Doing this by myself has created many waves of emotion at random times; part hormones, part me. And I have to be honest with myself. There are days I am so happy. Most of them are full of joy. But there are those days far few and in between, that I wish for someone to be there for me. Not to do anything but to just be in my presence. That must be my emotions wanting to come out.
I admit I am tired of being strong all the time. There is an element of wanting that emotional validation like we seek as children. To have someone to just tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel safe with someone. To know that someone actually cares. To know that there are no ulterior motives. No bad intentions. No games.
But who am I kidding? Do I really want that? I did. I used to. Maybe one day I'll change my mind again. I mean, this is why I am carrying my child at the moment; because I wanted him. I didn't just say one day, yeah, I am going to date someone. No way. That's not me. I don't date. You have to be special for me to invest my time into you.
Coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing traditional about my life has been quite the process to reconcile with, internally, emotionally, mentally. I don't think that any part of my life will ever be traditional either. I tried to be a wife. It didn't work. I tried to co-exist with someone. It didn't work.
What is for me, won't be conditional.
What is for me, I won't have to convince to stay.
There is an art to letting go...It's allowing what is, to be.
It must be a memory, it must be a feeling, it must be a soul tie. Something. What do I miss? Hell, I don't even know. I barely know him anymore. I barely knew him to begin with. But there is a sentimentality there, still. Knowing what could have been...knowing what was supposed to be...knowing what our soul contracts were. And knowing now that it will never happen because of what he said and how he views the mother of his children, and now me. I don't wish to hold on to that anymore. It's too painful for me. To process the fact that he does not believe in trying to continue to build a relationship with the mother of his child kills me if I allow myself to think about it. I want to steer clear of those thoughts and just wish him his own healing for whatever lead him to believe in that life perspective. You can't fight for something you don't believe in anyway, no matter the circumstances which lead you to that point in your life. His experience must have been pretty bad to not have trust in what I thought we had with each other, and that having his child completely eliminates the possibility of a future together. That is my fault for believing that it was possible. What I do know is that when someone chooses to exit, I know to let them go because that is the universe's way of telling me that something better is on its way.
I don't even wish to bring it up with him either. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. He changed his mind when it came to our child, which I am grateful for. That, for me, is the only thing that I care about. He didn't change his mind when it came to me. And that's fine. I have had to really gain greater perspective of my own self-worth with this situation. What a test! I know that I am valuable. I know that I am amazing and special and loving and I have a lot to offer. This is what I will give and more to my baby girl. How he feels has nothing to do with me. It's why I did what I did. I took charge of my life even harder than before, with grace and determination. I bought a house. I set up shop for me and my little family. Me and baby girl. I can only depend on me. And I won't sell myself short of what I know I deserve and what my baby deserves.
Sure I cried. Who wouldn't? I have emotions. I have feelings. I am human. I thought about my baby. I thought about going through this entire process by myself. But the emotions soon turned to strength and resilience. I was not about to give up. I never do. And I never will.
I don't think I could ever trust him again. How could I? I would just always think he is going to leave when the going gets tough if it were to ever come to a relationship other than friendship. And I'm tired of being thrown away. I know for one that I will never throw me away.
I am a ride or die type of person. I do love him. I always will. But I will love him as the father of our child. I believe the only way I can trust him is as the father of our child. And even that I'm sure will take me some check-ins with myself from time to time. I'm not going to sugar coat the way I feel.
So much time has passed and my focus has been on myself and my baby to make sure that I'm taking all of the necessary precautions for my physical body and wellbeing. Doing this by myself has created many waves of emotion at random times; part hormones, part me. And I have to be honest with myself. There are days I am so happy. Most of them are full of joy. But there are those days far few and in between, that I wish for someone to be there for me. Not to do anything but to just be in my presence. That must be my emotions wanting to come out.
I admit I am tired of being strong all the time. There is an element of wanting that emotional validation like we seek as children. To have someone to just tell me that everything is going to be ok. To feel safe with someone. To know that someone actually cares. To know that there are no ulterior motives. No bad intentions. No games.
But who am I kidding? Do I really want that? I did. I used to. Maybe one day I'll change my mind again. I mean, this is why I am carrying my child at the moment; because I wanted him. I didn't just say one day, yeah, I am going to date someone. No way. That's not me. I don't date. You have to be special for me to invest my time into you.
Coming to terms with the fact that there is nothing traditional about my life has been quite the process to reconcile with, internally, emotionally, mentally. I don't think that any part of my life will ever be traditional either. I tried to be a wife. It didn't work. I tried to co-exist with someone. It didn't work.
What is for me, won't be conditional.
What is for me, I won't have to convince to stay.
There is an art to letting go...It's allowing what is, to be.
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