Evaluation

There have been a lot of changes to my life recently. A lot of them, unspoken about. I think it is simply because of the intensity of the change. I haven't felt a lot of emotion recently. I think most of it is being translated into this physical pain that I have been dealing with. 

I assume this indifference is felt throughout all of my relationships with the questions that I've been asked lately. 

I have been feeling inadequate. It's not like me. And perhaps inadequate isn't quite the right word to choose. Confused. Maybe. Maybe confused. 

When I say that a lot has been happening, I'm not over exaggerating. As a result, I have begun a life evaluation. I have to. I need to take a moment to step back and look at my life from the outside in. And with it comes the reality of people and experiences that I have had to face the truth with. 

I recently had a conversation with a person who is becoming a good friend of mine. We discussed addiction, we discussed mental illness and cycles. He told me he extended his empathy to a person who absolutely needed it, but may not necessarily know what to do with it. He asked me for advice. And I get it. But, I run from it at this point of my life. I don't want anyone else's drama. I don't want anyone else's trauma, either. It's not mine to deal with, nor to solve. I have enough of my own issues to deal with. Those people actually scare me at this point of my life. I want nothing to do with them. Nothing. 

Does this make me numb? Does this make me avoid people? Does this make me wrong for wanting to conserve my own sanity? I don't see anyone else looking out for me. And I'm serious about this. Who else is living my life? No one. Who else is taking care of me? No one. Do I need anyone else's toxic behavior? Absolutely not. Do I have time for it? No. I will not put one breath of life into someone else's story. I have to save my breath for my own. Does this make me selfish? I don't know. But does anyone care? I highly doubt it. They have their own life to tend to. I don't expect anyone to come to my rescue, nor do I want them to. And I refuse the expectation to be put upon me. 





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