I Quit My Job

I have been trying to find the right words since July. I have been trying to identify the words that would give my emotions their due justice. I'm pretty sure there is still some anger there, so I have treaded lightly and stayed silent until I knew I could practice forgiveness. It took some time to really sift through these emotions because I had not had an occasion to truly reflect on my career and the many experiences I've had that have contributed to how I see this area of my life. 

I have been consistently tested on my work ethic throughout the years; and this time around was no different. The thing about this time is that I was unwilling to compromise my work ethic and integrity any further, seeing the very position I found myself in, set me up for failure right from the get go. It took me eight months to see clearly what was happening. When your leader is willing to report inconsistencies when it comes to data reporting, and then punish the new data person for not being able to accurately come up with clear and concise data, do not allow yourself to accept this type of abuse of power. 

You see, as I've had more experience with my career, I have also seen how racial bias, racial discrimination, tokenism, prejudice, institutional racism, and stereotyping have been front and center, perpetrated by the privileged. 

What bothers me is that as a woman of color, I have never felt part of the whole in any position I have been in. Universities try their hardest to promote diversity, equity, and inclusion, yet they are not willing to listen. And when told not to ask for help when you've asked for help, it's kind of a catch 22. As a person of color...who really is our ally? Isn't it sad that we do not know who we can turn to? There is no light at the end of this sentiment. I've had enough experiences within higher education, and as I have had more of them, it has just gotten worse. I am done. I am done being loyal to institutions that aren't designed to serve our BIPOC communities.

Phrases like:

"Oh they're not going to read these reports."

"Just put whatever." (referring to missing data and being told to add in what is missing, despite not having the correct information because it was not previously documented.)

"The 'n' in the sample isn't the same so she told us to just put something there."

"If they don't add up, just put this."

"I want you to engage with the figuring out of the numbers."

It was as if speaking up was punishment; it was as if asking for help resulted in detrimental consequences. How am I supposed to figure out bad data? How?

When you can't speak up because you are afraid that if you do, your job will be at stake, there is a problem. When you speak up and the university president as well as other colleagues commit racial bias and create an unsafe work environment of a space that was to be in confidence, there is a problem. When you have a boss that uses you as a scapegoat, expects you to create good data from bad data, there is a problem. When a boss compares your BIPOC experience to their white privileged one, there is a problem. When your boss is culturally insensitive, there is a problem. When your boss actually tells you to be an academic advisor after being a director for years, there is a problem. There is a problem because all of this shows me just how unsafe our students are!

How dare you?! How dare you!

I'm tired of staying silent. I'm going to use all of these experiences. ALL OF THEM. And let them be the fuel as to the reasons why I speak up, moving forward. I promote real diversity, equity, and inclusion; not just the so-called statement of saying you do. 

I hope my daughter will never have to know about the injustices that exist at every level, especially for the privileged who think that their experience is the same as the BIPOC community. I will teach her about ethics, integrity, and most of all, to honor herself and to never allow ignorant people to disrespect her and if they do, to gracefully bow out and walk away. I will teach her to not comply with leadership abuse and exploitation tactics.

I will not be anyone's scapegoat. 

I deserve better.

The BIPOC community deserves better!