Domestic Abuse Happens to Anyone

“Fuck you.”  These two words were the deal breaker for me. You can’t take it back after you say it either. And if someone is unwilling to communicate at a later time, you reach an impasse. An understanding cannot be made no matter how much you want to try to make it work. This is a main reason I didn’t go back.

I grew up seeing the destruction of what my parents did to each other and I knew that I did not want that for my marriage. It had nothing to do with me. The cycle of abuse that he endured surely taught him that it was acceptable to talk to a person he “loved” in that manner. It becomes an addiction or many addictions in his case, in various forms to treat people like that, too. Whatever healing does not take place, you carry it with you and at any point in time, it can become unleashed.

So let me ask you, are you going to hold it against someone for that? Why? It is only when a person is ready to do the work on themselves that a person can begin to heal the layers. It is not for anyone to decide but them. It hurts so bad when the person does not want to heal though. It hurts to watch them live in their denial; to bathe daily in their pain. To wear a mask and work relentlessly to make everyone believe they are a decent human being. Your spirit deteriorates, you are lifeless, you take up space, without any real connection to anyone or anything. Letting go was the hardest, most excruciating thing I had to do. But escaping with my life was the most important thing I had to do. I learned that he was a wounded child. It also showed me that he would never be able to connect to another human being in his lifetime. His demons have him imprisoned.

Lately, the emphasis to not stay silent has been in the forefront of my life. As young people, especially as a woman, and a Latina woman at that, we are told not to rock the boat, to let things slide, to shut up and not voice what we have to say. And there is a shame factor associated with domestic abuse as well.  My current mindset now comes from years of passivity and abuse. And quite frankly, who am I to allow that? That’s sick! It was time for a life overhaul of a mindset that was trying to destroy me. MINE. I was allowing it. And as soon as his rage and the words, “Fuck you” came from his mouth, a switch flipped on in my mind. And an evaluation immediately began. From my overhaul, I live with my takeaways: I'm not here to be liked by other people. I’m not here to allow people who are two-faced to be in my energy either. I am human just like everyone else. I don’t talk about people because that comes back to you tenfold. It’s called karma. I’d rather be here to instill love; for myself, first, and then for others; striving to become the best version of myself. It includes unconditional love. But the kind of unconditional love that is not destructive. I have to have boundaries too.

This is not the whole story. But this was the catalyst for my departure. It takes two to tango, but my lead became a solo.

I didn’t know that I had zero tolerance for being told “Fuck you” until it happened. His healing is on him if he so chooses. But I healed myself by not allowing a cycle of pain to continue. I hold myself accountable for wanting to do better, for wanting to be better. Consequences always come; it is a part of life no matter what you choose, and no matter the sacrifice. But when you are talking to a ghost, the ghost does what it always does: floats lifelessly, voiceless, disconnected, haunted.

Human behavior is fascinating to me. We all come from different walks of life, share common threads, yet there is still evil. Our minds create evil because of the suffering and baggage we won’t face to understand in order to heal.

I am not in this for accolades or pity; this is not about me. I am in it for change; a vessel for pushing to reach all of our potential, to overcome the fears that life tries to knock us down with. We get to choose how we react to life. If you let it, ego will take over. Walking away was an egoless act of love.

I am not afraid anymore. I am not afraid because I lost everything and had to start from ground zero. Through my own healing, I know who I am and I do not care if others do not see me for who I am. One thing I know for sure is that even being my authentic self, people are still not going to like me. And that’s ok. That’s ok. A person’s judgement is a reflection of the suffering they are inflicted with. It has nothing to do with me.