La Trenza del Barrio

What I see. My eyes are two different shades today. It happens every once in a while. But when they do that, it is so weird looking. I feel like I see life differently from many people. I think that's why I have always felt alone. To see what I see, it has taken me a lifetime to decide to be accepting of it. It started when I was a little girl. I saw one of them in the corner of my bedroom, dark looming shrouded ghost-like entity, lurking. It absolutely scared me. I didn't know what it was. On another occasion, I had a stand up radio with tall speakers, (yeah, I grew up in the 80's), and the system would turn on by itself. I would be terrified by it and unplug it from its outlet, but it would remain on. At night, there would be cold air that would blow on my face, and there would be no reason for cold air to blow on my face. I would constantly be afraid because I didn't know what it was. I wished it away. I wished whatever it was away. And it wasn't until la...

You can't put your self-worth on to someone else. It is not anyone's responsibility but yours. It is an inside job. You cannot depend on someone to make you feel good about yourself. You just can't. That's not fair. I've wasted too many years on self-loathing. So let me get on this soap box for a sec. I think there's an added pressure as a woman to live up to standards that are unrealistic. I have been anorexic. I have been bulimic. There have been some really dark times in my life that were self-inflicted. All for what? Shit, I have no idea. I was just miserable the entire time. A cycle of ridiculous shit that seemed to be an infinite trend that I had no interest in breaking away from. Stupid girl. ...I say that with love and patience. The light at the end of that tunnel came, eventually. I started to love myself. I started to see the sham that were many of the relationships I had. I started to see right through people. I started to tell myself the truth in...

Have you ever truly forgiven someone? The reason I ask that is because in order for you to forgive someone, you have to forgive yourself first. What has happened is just that. It happened. Past tense. Not present tense. It’s over. Done with. Not going to happen because it already did. So why do you deny yourself of the love you have to give and to receive? Is it going to happen again? The cycle? My God, what a way to live. To constantly think that you don’t deserve true love. Self-sabotage. And then another cycle of the same shit. Don’t you get tired? Forgiveness. Try it.

Trust. It is a powerful word that carries such a significant amount of weight to it. And then, once it has been misused, it's a done deal. I read somewhere that red flags are to be considered, but at this point in my life, red flags are deal breakers for me. They have to be. Trying to come out of the cycle of abuse has been challenging because it's like I am a newborn trying to decipher between right and wrong. I always see the good in people even when they're not necessarily good. Learning what a healthy relationship entails is why I've not dated for a little over a year and a half. It has been a little over a year and a half since my divorce. The ultimate betrayal. What has yours been? We have all been betrayed before, in some way, shape, or form. I remember being cheated on such a long time ago; still a young 20 something year old. It killed me though. I still remember crying with him, thinking I did something wrong. It just wasn't something that was meant to b...

The taboo. Sex.  It’s interesting how my life experience has put me in roles that I didn’t necessarily ask for. They were just a part of the position. I’ve learned so much about sex. So let’s talk about it; not in the Salt n Peppa style though.  I am a Title IX investigator.  I often ask “why” about so many things. I found myself asking, why am I a title IX investigator? The first time I was exposed to what title IX was all about, was through my role at the former university in which I was employed. The training I was a part of and the content of information I learned about terrified me, for so many reasons and on so many levels.  Title IX taught me that what I have experienced in my own life, consisted of multiple grounds for legitimate cases for title IX. I understand now why I am in this role even if I do not necessarily want to be. It’s true that none of us are educated about this either. We don’t take a class in school about this. Is it up to ou...