La Trenza del Barrio

I was in the middle of a meeting when I got the call. The call that would change my life even further. I'm having a baby girl. What name will I give her? She has an amazing personality already. Fluttering around in my belly. I feel her vibrate and buzz around when I least expect it. It is the most fascinating experience of my life. It is pure magic.

For the longest time, having children was a fear of mine. I didn't want any for so many reasons. As life progressed, I learned that it was my biggest desire to have a real family of my own, and to find someone who truly understood what it meant to co-exist in a partnership. I am as independent as they come, and a person who completely loathes co-dependency after years of thriving on it in some way, shape, or form. The validation I needed from my exes was due to my own insecurities which I have since overcome and realized that I was indeed co-dependent. I do not and have never denied my brokenness. There was a time I didn't know it was not just them; it was me, too. I had to take responsibility to heal all of those layers that stunted my growth and made me allow men to treat me like shit. Throughout the years of abuse I have endured, those experiences jaded me in the sense that, I would have to really work to heal all of the trauma in order to be in a space where I could even ...

I haven't really been able to decide how I feel. I haven't been able to really identify my emotions just yet. My initial reactions were surprisingly calm. I think I contribute my calmness to how I have learned about my triggers and how they no longer control my life. But at the same time, I think in combination with all of my hormones all over the place and also my views on the situation, I do feel a sense of loss because of the voluntary departure of my beautiful familiar that has now become nothing more than a donor, but also a sense of abundance because of the newness of having a new tenant in my uterus. I think as much as we try to control our lives, there is a greater power out there that shows us that we are not as in control as we think we are. Rolling with the ebb and flow of life has certainly become a lesson that is worth diving into because of how ego can take over and create chaos in an otherwise beautiful experience that should be looked upon as happening for o...

2019 has certainly been a life changing year. I have recently made a huge decision that changes the course of my life as I know it; a decision that I never imagined I would be faced with in my lifetime. It is a gift that has been bestowed upon me by my beautiful familiar that I've known for lifetimes. He didn't see it that way. Not at all. He gave me one option that would make him comfortable. But it was the one option that I would decline; the option that would destroy my identity as a human being if I had agreed to what would make him comfortable. I have been through enough in my life to know that every single experience I have ever had, happens for a reason. Can I offer this to you? No. No? Well, if that is not good enough, I cannot do anything about that. We all have a choice as to how we look at every situation. We can see it as negative or as something being rearranged for our highest good. And trust me, it has taken me a long time to get to this mind set. I am no l...