La Trenza del Barrio

I think the hardest thing for me throughout this process has been the knowing that I must let the father of my child go. Yeah...I'm still trying to let him go. He doesn't know that though. I refuse to tell him. I would rather take it to my grave. I know he's been done with me for a while. Well...since we found out I was pregnant. It must be a memory, it must be a feeling, it must be a soul tie. Something. What do I miss? Hell, I don't even know. I barely know him anymore. I barely knew him to begin with. But there is a sentimentality there, still. Knowing what could have been...knowing what was supposed to be...knowing what our soul contracts were. And knowing now that it will never happen because of what he said and how he views the mother of his children, and now me. I don't wish to hold on to that anymore. It's too painful for me. To process the fact that he does not believe in trying to continue to build a relationship with the mother of his child kills me...

Do you know the feeling, in the pit of your stomach, when you are on a roller coaster and you're diving down some really intense drops, just free falling, and you feel that sensation that makes your adrenaline kick into high gear? Take that sensation and multiply it by one million. The roller coaster ride is absolutely nothing compared to baby kicks. It has become an absolute thrill to feel her kicks. It is unlike any other experience, unlike any other feeling. Sometimes I feel as if she is going to fall out! haha! No, seriously! The sensations are so intense that it makes me stop and actually take in the experience, to be completely present, with no other distractions, just to feel her moving around, trying to get comfortable, nestling in a new spot. I anticipate feeling her. It is just miraculous when I do. She tends to be active while I'm trying to sleep, which is why I'm up in the middle of the night. I take it that she is preparing me for when she arrives. As the...

I am thinking of her today. I had a housewarming gift waiting for me when I moved into my new home back in early August. A beautiful dove and her nest. It is funny because she was not there when I did the walk throughs before and after the home inspection. She moved in when I did. Do you believe in signs? I sure do. I see them all the time in various forms.  She stayed until her babies hatched. I prayed for her and her babies when there were thunderstorms that rolled in, and she had to protect them from the elements. I watched her being rained upon. She was a warrior! She endured, she was strong, she did everything for them. I saw her go back and forth, tending to their needs. She always made me smile. I often talked to her to make sure she was ok. She wasn't afraid of me either. She never flew away when I was near. She let me watch her bravery and determination. It was so special. She loved them so much.  The dove represents peace of the deepest kind. It is a ...

The leap of faith. If you are presented with a choice of taking a leap of faith, would you take it? I did. I wonder if I will ever take that leap of faith again. I probably will. But it will probably take some time. Several weeks ago, I was having a lovely conversation with a good friend of mine. I told her I took a leap of faith after almost being destroyed nearly two years prior. The leap of faith came at a time when I would be open to the idea of letting someone in. I felt like it was the right time. It felt right. The intensity of the connection called to me. It would be that call that would set the stage for a new life. To make a decision to be open to allow someone in was a big deal for me. And it was the one that would change it for the rest of my life. I understand that life is not what it seems. What I feel I deserve is what I have been given, despite the conditions, timing, or circumstances. If I had not taken that leap of faith, I wouldn't be growing my lit...