Birds Flyin' High...

Life has become relatively calm. 

I admit I made some drastic changes after some pretty difficult challenges these past several months which included the two main areas of my life: my job, my daughter.

It amazes me that buried memories come out to the surface when you least expect them. It's like playing hide and seek, only you're hiding for 40 years and you surely don't want to seek what it is that has been in hiding. Ha!

Three years ago, I made the decision to be a backer to a project that I was so proud of becoming a small part of as an executive producer. It is a film short called Grummy. It wouldn't be until three years later, after having my daughter that I actually recalled my own experiences as a child, and understanding the reason why I found myself so compelled at that time three years ago to be part of making sure that this story was made. Childhood abuse is not uncommon, it is actually so commonplace that it's scary. You'll know what I'm talking about when Grummy finally makes its world premiere.

Being a small part of the film was part redemption, part nurturing my inner child for me. All I wanted to do was ensure that this project was made. So in it's own way, it would demonstrate that we do survive and we can thrive despite experiences that stole our innocence. It is a piece that I knew would be told exactly how it needed to be told; a piece that would change our worlds knowing that there is finally something that is eminent and validating. 

Today, my life actually feels like I'm in a much needed lull. This lull is actually a healthy life that those who have always known disorder, abuse, and chaos may seem bored from not dealing with shit all of the time. Ha! Bring on the boredom! 

The call for service for others is now simply learning this new flow. This flow is manageable even though I'm still learning my new job. It feels sustainable. It feels welcoming. It is what I asked the universe for. To say that I'm grateful is an understatement. I can actually sleep, I can be present, I am not exhausted like I was. And most importantly, I am asking for help. I even hired a babysitter for a couple of hours for the first time ever, about a week ago. Huge, but important baby steps!

The process of letting go and allowing has been so real lately. It's a different level of letting go and allowing. 

Triggers take time to manage, but I'm allowing the process of letting go to take place. The feelings of discomfort are temporary until I refocus and understand that it's ok to feel emotions and to assert my needs. 

It's so good to be alive right now, in this moment. I'm finally at a place where I can say I'm ready for everything that is meant to come. I am ready.