La Trenza del Barrio

I just saw my dad. As soon as he spoke, I knew. He called me Pido. His pet name for me. I don't think he will experience 2021. These tears are caused by a life review. I have always wanted a father. I have always wanted a father who was present, engaged, communicative. I have always wanted a family. I don't even know what parents are. Are they the two sick, broken people that made me? The two people who tortured each other, abused each other, hated each other, but believed in until death do us part? How do you mourn over someone you don't even know? I suppose it's the same way I mourned over the man that is my daughter's father.  My God this year has been hard for so many reasons.  I tend to look at life as positive as possible. It's what makes me, me.  This life review has made me think about everything. It has made me want to reach out to my daughter's father, to tell him that my daughter won't even know her grandparents, that perhaps she could know he...

Some of the biggest changes to my life have come that moment I knew I would become a mom. I knew that what I had been doing was not exactly what I could be proud of. I had internal work to begin again, even while I was pregnant. I learned how to take care of myself. I nourished my body with plenty of water, I took my vitamins, prepared beautiful meals, catered to my body; all because of my little girl. The awakening happened. The being born again happened.  I joined a church and found God.  I learned what it means to be assertive and to establish boundaries. And if a person violates those boundaries, they are removed from my life, without explanation. I don't owe anyone anything.  Now I choose. Me. I choose. 

I haven't written for what seems like forever. I find myself sifting through so much as I write these words. I think about the experiences I've had since giving birth.  I find myself facing the new; new feelings, new experiences; a whole new life. I am also finding the opposite sex foreign and undesirable, in the romantic relationship type sense. It just doesn't make logical sense in my mind anymore. I have zero interest in spending what little time I do have, on anyone other than myself. As if I would ever miss an intimate relationship. Ha! I think that Aquarian independence is quite front and center after a life full of fairy tale bullshit.  And let me tell you something. I don't know about any other woman's experiences. But after you give birth, priorities change. I could go the rest of my life not having sex. Seriously.  I know what you're thinking. No. I am not bitter. So, what is truth? Do you really think that there is just one truth out there? How many p...

Within these walls, there is a girl that just wants to love. That is all. Just love. Life has presented me with so many amazing experiences. All of which, now looking at them all, even at each point of their unsustainability, there was love; the kind of love I was capable of at that moment in time. Within these walls, there is a place for us. Within these walls, there is no place to run away to. It is a place of solace; a place to call home. I release all that is not for me to truly find what my soul has been calling for me to do. The point of no return. The time is now.

I don't know if I could ever be ready for it. What feels like a time warp seems to leave something unresolved. The bond of what this life offers with knowing that we will not meet in the next. Separation. I step away and re-evaluate the internal conflict that tells me to never go back to what I know is soulmate status. Free will would have to be a determining factor in something that has no hope for the future to be anything other than the whim that it once was. There is no doorway of opportunity to lead me to this frequency ever again. That door closed itself a long while ago. Divine devotion. Why? I cannot comprehend my mind. What is this soul contract that I approved of experiencing in this life? Drawn to a ghost. Drawn to a memory. Knowing that this stops in this life is truly a liberation for when I come to. Never to meet again. What is there to get right in this one? I suppose this wine induced reflection creates a questioning that only time will provide its answer. W...

When I was first pregnant, I was in it by myself. He said he'd contact me later in life, wanted nothing to do with us. And I was in survival mode. I did what it took to create a life I felt would be conducive to a life with a baby. And I did it. I built my own support system. I am proud of that every single day because she was now my reason for living. When we reconciled to the point of him telling me he wanted to be my baby's father because he changed his mind, he just didn't want me and his feelings for me wouldn't grow because I was carrying our child, I forgave him, and we would talk almost daily. It then became every few days, once a week, and now it's on occasion. Once what I considered to be a significant part of my life is now a brief memory in time. I no longer think of him as I used to. His energy is no longer with me. I don't sense him very much anymore. He is truly in the past like how you walk the streets of New York and see crowds of people walki...

As my maternity leave is coming closer to a close, the amount of guilt that has plagued me recently has been so real. It has become an emotional time coming to terms with the fact that I have to leave my baby. It is excruciatingly difficult. What I have reminded myself is that she will be ok and I will be able to provide for us both by going back to work. She will be ok. I am so in love with her, so in love with being a mom, so in love with having her in my life. I've never known love like this. She is the greatest gift. Nothing else will ever match it either. No one would ever come close to the amount of joy she has given me. ...I wish I could take her to work with me.