La Trenza del Barrio

You have to make a conscious decision that you will not live your life to promote your trauma. It's actually one of the main reasons I am working on my personal baggage and taking ownership in how I approach relationships. And by approach, I have nothing to do with them at the moment; the romantic ones. In the past, I tried to establish boundaries far too late. I didn't know I was actually able to have boundaries and that those boundaries were able to be respected without question. It was high time I began understanding I needed to reconcile certain aspects of my trauma that I had never acknowledged to being a problem. Going to therapy, talking about it constructively, and not using it as an excuse for bad behavior is essential to growing healthy relationships. Use trauma as a tool for understanding, a tool for growth, a tool for changing behavior. Evolution doesn't come if you're stuck with your trauma; you will just stay stuck in the same cycles. The same actions resu...

Reflecting on what life is like and all of the phases my life has been through; all of the experiences that I've disclosed of the small glimpse of my life written down here as memories; all of the challenges I've overcome and what I perceived to be successes. It's all just crazy to think that I have walked in places that I wouldn't dream of walking in again; the endless attempts at trying to fit into a world that wasn't for me to fit into; the martyrdom that I so foolishly assigned myself to, as if I signed up for a lifetime course in naivete 101.  I remember the exquisite dinner menus written on placards that consisted of 5 courses and included with each course would be its own generous portion of signature wine tastings. The stunning intricate ice sculptures that when the bartenders served a martini, they poured the contents of the martini down the ice sculpture where it would travel to its base for a show stopping performance with the perfectly chilled martini be...

I'm sitting here getting my tires replaced because, well, they needed to be replaced. I had put it off for quite some time, and now that one of them has a steady leak, I bit the bullet and decided to just replace them all.  I brought work with me because I wasn't exactly sure how long it would take, so I sat down in an area where I could at least respond to emails. Just a couple of minutes after I sat down, a man with his one year old son sat down beside me. He was feeding him, spilled some of his coffee, was all thumbs until he regrouped and began feeding him again. It was so precious. I offered him some wipes because that's what parents do! But he had plenty. We then began talking about our children. He said he has three; a daughter 11, son 8, and his son he was holding and feeding, just a little over a year old. He was so kind and so patient. You could tell he was mild mannered, loving, caring, genuine. I showed him a picture of my daughter and he said, oh yeah, you can ...

There is so much on my mind that I just want to dump it all out. But I don't even know where to start. Perhaps the mind shift began as soon as I realized how inequitable my current job is and how I made the decision to look for another one, applied to the only position I would consider, and got the job. My current job changed two years ago when the university began its restructuring. I flowed with these changes to be part of a new department. My job title didn't change but they did away with my boss and I got a new one. So instead of being a part of alumni and community engagement, I became part of Academic and Student Affairs. It made sense at the time. As the job shifted, my responsibilities shifted as well. However, things were being added on, but nothing was being taken away. I was soon doing so many things that it became just too much for one person to handle. At least, too much for ME to handle. There has been no time to think, no time for professional development, no tim...

I can't say it's been easy at all. Most days, I feel inadequate, not good enough. But what changes my mind every time those thoughts make me stray is her laughter, her smile, her presence. She chose me. I was chosen! She has changed my life. My daughter has changed my life. My priorities have dramatically shifted. What I was chasing, I no longer chase. What I wanted, I no longer want. The desire to live to work is now my longing to work to live. All I want at this stage in my life is to be with my daughter. Being a single mother is excruciatingly difficult for so many reasons. I am ALWAYS preparing for tomorrow. If I don't, I add on to the exhaustion I feel with trying to keep up with everything. I am making some drastic moves. I am making some drastic decisions. I know what I deserve and what I don't deserve. All I wish for, is to spend as much time with my daughter as I can. I already miss out on 8-9 hours every single day because I have to provide for us. I don't...

Imagine being two people at one time. Imagine that what you portray to the world greatly differs from the one you portray to your closest family members and friends. People outside of that inner circle have no idea of the secrets that happen behind closed doors.  Neurological development happens at the earliest of years for us all. Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years, our brains rely on predictability and consistency. It is what helps us to feel safe in our environment. Take that factor away, and the reaction has a response of altered brain functioning as a result of early childhood abuse and neglect. This means the brain is at its most vulnerable susceptibility to trauma. Our experiences, including our interactions with other people, have a significant impact on how our genetic predispositions are expressed that potentially make a lasting imprint on how we connect to the world.  The organizing framework for children’s development is based on the creation of memories. Wh...

Is it unreasonable to say that we do not choose our own path? Or is the point to realize that the path has been chosen for us and it is up to us to re-discover it? There is nothing permanent about anything. Not even life itself; it is ever changing with one season to the next. Whimsical promises, walking in the clouds. Is it just one big love story without an ending? Oh if only I could see life as one big love story, and just stop looking for something permanent.  You know, the other day, I saw the dove in the same place from when she moved in when I did two years ago. I'm not saying it's the same dove. But she happened to choose the same place where the original nest used to be. She flew off when I saw her. Reminders.  What is this world that I have created?  See...I want to matter to someone. And I want that someone to matter to me; For the right reasons. On the same frequency. I want what I keep putting off. I want what I keep saying "maybe tomorrow" to.  Vulnerab...