La Trenza del Barrio

When I was first pregnant, I was in it by myself. He said he'd contact me later in life, wanted nothing to do with us. And I was in survival mode. I did what it took to create a life I felt would be conducive to a life with a baby. And I did it. I built my own support system. I am proud of that every single day because she was now my reason for living. When we reconciled to the point of him telling me he wanted to be my baby's father because he changed his mind, he just didn't want me and his feelings for me wouldn't grow because I was carrying our child, I forgave him, and we would talk almost daily. It then became every few days, once a week, and now it's on occasion. Once what I considered to be a significant part of my life is now a brief memory in time. I no longer think of him as I used to. His energy is no longer with me. I don't sense him very much anymore. He is truly in the past like how you walk the streets of New York and see crowds of people walki...

As my maternity leave is coming closer to a close, the amount of guilt that has plagued me recently has been so real. It has become an emotional time coming to terms with the fact that I have to leave my baby. It is excruciatingly difficult. What I have reminded myself is that she will be ok and I will be able to provide for us both by going back to work. She will be ok. I am so in love with her, so in love with being a mom, so in love with having her in my life. I've never known love like this. She is the greatest gift. Nothing else will ever match it either. No one would ever come close to the amount of joy she has given me. ...I wish I could take her to work with me.

You know, I once thought I knew what I wanted for my life. I feel like I had it planned out, knowing what I would work toward along the way, and go for what I thought would comprise one clean cut package of a life. I realize it was nothing but a fantasy. The control I felt I needed is what put me on paths that weren't meant for me, but nonetheless, I experienced. Since I've allowed life to happen for me, I've been shown that the path is not exactly as I planned, nor is it within my control to define. The greatest gift of my life happened when I took a leap of faith with a man who tried to control his life just as I tried to control mine. Life didn't want that for us; life wanted us to be free from the chains that tied us down to circumstances that weren't even ours to begin with. I respect him for walking away from what he didn't want. It takes balls. As I sit here, looking at the love of my life as she sleeps, I know that she is my reason for living. Sh...

On Tuesday, February 4th, I began experiencing what I later realized were actual contractions. I didn't think too much of it because they only lasted during the early morning hours and subsided later that day. It was a different story when Wednesday, February 5th rolled around. The contractions began at midnight and stayed. I didn't know I was experiencing legitimate contractions. I just thought they were the pre-labor contractions I read about. I figured, my next appointment with my doctor was on the morning of the 5th, so I would ride it out. But the pain was so intense. For eight hours, I had 1 minute contractions in 5 minute intervals. Then later in the morning, they became a little less consistent, but still intense when they came.  I didn't know that my doctor would have me admitted to the hospital, but it looked like baby girl was ready. My doctor told me I was already halfway there, dilated at a 5. It becomes kind of blurry after I was admitted into the hospital...

People come and go to and from our lives like the tide. Some are meant to stay for a couple of chapters in our book of life and some are meant for just one. No matter what it looks like, it is to be embraced for what it becomes, how it evolves and then released when and if the time comes to release it. It's Alpha and Omega, the beginning and ending, life and death. Sometimes all we are meant to experience is just a chapter. And that's ok. It's beautiful for the memories and lessons it leaves behind! Understanding that we are not to be attached to anything, is a very important lesson to life itself. I think what limits us is that we must completely trust ourselves with the perceptions of what we believe is right. The idea is to understand that what others think doesn't matter. No one lives our life. We live our life. And when someone judges our decisions, that is none of our business. We have to remember this every time someone tries to challenge the way we see life. L...

I know she’s getting ready. I know she knows what is to come next. I keep asking her when will she be here because I am at the point now where I miss her. I know, I know. It's strange because she is in me and with me every moment. But I am ready to have her in my arms now. The connection is so profound, it's unexplainable with words. A couple of nights ago, I had a most intriguing dream. It alarmed me at first, but I pieced things together and was pleasantly delighted with what I realized was a message from my baby. Dreams during pregnancy are unlike any others. They are, by far, in a league of their own. I was in the kitchen of my former home. They say that dreaming about a kitchen is a strong omen of change and positive outcomes because it is the heart of the home. I had discovered a clear crystal trying to come out of my belly. I was so concerned about it because it seemed so real! I would touch it and it would move like it wanted to come out of me. I made attempts t...

Well, here we are. Today I'm officially on month 9. The journey within this time has been transformational, to say the least. Decisions were made. My new life path has been shown. The dreams and goals I had now include my new human; and I wouldn't want it any other way. I keep saying, she is all I have ever wanted love to be. And I mean that with all of my heart and soul. She has gotten me through this. She has gotten me through my times of confusion and my questioning. She has gotten me through my ugly cries, too. Most of all, she has made me who I am today, full of gratitude with the reality of her and the reality that she chose me to be her mama. We are in this together. To the path that will show itself upon her arrival, I embrace every new thing that is about to happen. She is my sidekick, my mini me, my beautiful baby, my everything. We are at the home stretch, my little one. I told myself I would start a countdown for baby girl after my birthday rolls around. But the...