La Trenza del Barrio

I can't say it's been easy at all. Most days, I feel inadequate, not good enough. But what changes my mind every time those thoughts make me stray is her laughter, her smile, her presence. She chose me. I was chosen! She has changed my life. My daughter has changed my life. My priorities have dramatically shifted. What I was chasing, I no longer chase. What I wanted, I no longer want. The desire to live to work is now my longing to work to live. All I want at this stage in my life is to be with my daughter. Being a single mother is excruciatingly difficult for so many reasons. I am ALWAYS preparing for tomorrow. If I don't, I add on to the exhaustion I feel with trying to keep up with everything. I am making some drastic moves. I am making some drastic decisions. I know what I deserve and what I don't deserve. All I wish for, is to spend as much time with my daughter as I can. I already miss out on 8-9 hours every single day because I have to provide for us. I don't...

Imagine being two people at one time. Imagine that what you portray to the world greatly differs from the one you portray to your closest family members and friends. People outside of that inner circle have no idea of the secrets that happen behind closed doors.  Neurological development happens at the earliest of years for us all. Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years, our brains rely on predictability and consistency. It is what helps us to feel safe in our environment. Take that factor away, and the reaction has a response of altered brain functioning as a result of early childhood abuse and neglect. This means the brain is at its most vulnerable susceptibility to trauma. Our experiences, including our interactions with other people, have a significant impact on how our genetic predispositions are expressed that potentially make a lasting imprint on how we connect to the world.  The organizing framework for children’s development is based on the creation of memories. Wh...

Is it unreasonable to say that we do not choose our own path? Or is the point to realize that the path has been chosen for us and it is up to us to re-discover it? There is nothing permanent about anything. Not even life itself; it is ever changing with one season to the next. Whimsical promises, walking in the clouds. Is it just one big love story without an ending? Oh if only I could see life as one big love story, and just stop looking for something permanent.  You know, the other day, I saw the dove in the same place from when she moved in when I did two years ago. I'm not saying it's the same dove. But she happened to choose the same place where the original nest used to be. She flew off when I saw her. Reminders.  What is this world that I have created?  See...I want to matter to someone. And I want that someone to matter to me; For the right reasons. On the same frequency. I want what I keep putting off. I want what I keep saying "maybe tomorrow" to.  Vulnerab...

The only thing I have ever committed to in my life is my daughter. She is literally the only one.  Hell, there are so many years I hadn't even committed to myself. Years of self-doubt, years of self-sabotage. I even tried being a wife, twice, but I never really committed to being one. I didn't want to be abused by a second person. One was just enough - me. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant and knew I would be doing it solo, that I committed to myself so I could commit to her.  Every single day that passes, I accept the circumstances in which she came into my life because she is literally the greatest miracle that brings me the greatest joy; a joy that will be unmatched for eternity.  I'm listening to a song by The Weekend that I hadn't heard before until very recently and wow does it resonate with me. It reminds me of my daughter's father, from the perspective of how I used to see life before my awakening happened. He has his own journey. I don't kn...

Have you ever heard of or used the phrase, "People don't change?" I am here to tell you that they do! People either change for the better or for the continuation of their pain-body.  The person who is unhealed, continues to attach to their trauma. It becomes a foundation for the relationships they have built with other people and a main factor in how they relate to them. They begin to seek it out and destroy other people's peace because they thrive on the pain. They cannot help themselves even when other people try to establish boundaries. Boundaries are like kryptonite for the trauma addict. They try to bring others into their drama and chaos when they have no business doing so and may not even be aware that they are doing it. Having not healed, a person most certainly changes. Only, their change continues to add on to the abundance of their unhealed trauma. It changes the person to become even more toxic.  The person who is on the path to healing, changes as well. T...

What is your muse? Everyone has one. At least, from my experience, it seems like everyone does. It can change from time to time. It can be a thing or a person. My muse. My muse are some pretty amazing memories in time that I have kept with me, safeguarded in my heart. You know, those memories that take your breath away. The memories that you just don't forget. A person, an experience. When I look back, it's those memories that made me believe that love exists, however obscure it got within my own circumstances. They kept me going just by me knowing that it happened. It renews my faith every time I take time to look back. Certainly, we are told never to look back because we aren't going that way. But you know what? For me, I need to look back. It makes me evaluate my bullshit mentality that I grew up with and shows me how much I have changed. From one day to another, I keep looking back for consistency. I look back for follow through, for unconditional love. So many experien...

There have been a lot of changes to my life recently. A lot of them, unspoken about. I think it is simply because of the intensity of the change. I haven't felt a lot of emotion recently. I think most of it is being translated into this physical pain that I have been dealing with.  I assume this indifference is felt throughout all of my relationships with the questions that I've been asked lately.  I have been feeling inadequate. It's not like me. And perhaps inadequate isn't quite the right word to choose. Confused. Maybe. Maybe confused.  When I say that a lot has been happening, I'm not over exaggerating. As a result, I have begun a life evaluation. I have to. I need to take a moment to step back and look at my life from the outside in. And with it comes the reality of people and experiences that I have had to face the truth with.  I recently had a conversation with a person who is becoming a good friend of mine. We discussed addiction, we discussed mental illnes...