La Trenza del Barrio

If I could sum up our lives in one word, it would probably be chaos. I haven't wanted it to be that way, but it has just been that way. Since becoming a mother, I have felt like the biggest failure on the face of the planet. Plenty of experiences have really pushed me to the edge as well. These past almost four years have been the hardest of my life. There are people who claim that they are single parents but have tons of help. They just like the title. Me, I am really a single parent. I don't have help when it comes to my daughter. My mother is the most toxic person that I refuse to be around my child unless supervised. It wasn't always that way until the last experience I had with her showed me just how detrimental it would be to expose my daughter to her negativity any further. It's funny how all of this has followed me all my life until now. I won't allow toxic individuals to be in our lives. I won't hesitate to burn bridges if those bridges are better off b...

Story Time: years ago, I had just begun a new job with a fancy title at a university for graduate students. It was such an exciting time for me, professionally. I wanted to be involved in everything to establish not only relationships but new programs for the graduate side that were nonexistent at the time, and only done at the undergraduate level. Only a month into my new position, I was of course asked to be involved with DEI work as well as a committee for a Day of The Dead campus event. I found out what the undergraduate program was doing for Day of The Dead and was mortified. Part of their "celebration" was to bring a coffin on campus for students to crawl in and out of. Apparently, it had been done in the past. The staff and faculty on the planning committee assured me that it was "tasteful" and "artfully" done with respect. But I had a problem with it. I felt there were other ways to respond to the sacred and time-honored tradition than to have stud...

I have been trying to find the right words since July. I have been trying to identify the words that would give my emotions their due justice. I'm pretty sure there is still some anger there, so I have treaded lightly and stayed silent until I knew I could practice forgiveness. It took some time to really sift through these emotions because I had not had an occasion to truly reflect on my career and the many experiences I've had that have contributed to how I see this area of my life.  I have been consistently tested on my work ethic throughout the years; and this time around was no different. The thing about this time is that I was unwilling to compromise my work ethic and integrity any further, seeing the very position I found myself in, set me up for failure right from the get go. It took me eight months to see clearly what was happening. When your leader is willing to report inconsistencies when it comes to data reporting, and then punish the new data person for not being a...

Why is there such a stigma for people going to therapy? I will never understand that. Right now, I'm learning about therapists having therapy sessions for other therapists. It is a thing, you know.  Why on earth has therapy gotten such a bad wrap? I think it's much healthier than going from person to person with our problems. I have learned through my own toxic behavior that going to other people with my problems is the last thing I would ever want to do. That is because you bring that toxic energy to other people that don't deserve it. They don't deserve your issues. They don't deserve the obstruction to their lives. What if they don't have the proper tools to know how to respond? What if they have their own issues they're dealing with? It's an approach I'm still learning about on how to navigate relationships in general.  I know we can't always be sunshine and rainbows, but we also cannot depend on someone to be a soundboard to negativity all t...

Do you remember your favorite teacher or teachers? What makes them your favorite? What makes them your least favorite?  The teachers I have had, all taught me something I needed to know. Of course as a much younger person, I didn't correlate any of my experiences with my teachers as something I needed to know at that time. I just thought I had cool ones and not so cool ones.  Teachers have been entering and exiting our lives for the majority of our lived experience. And everyone we have encountered has been our teacher in some way, not just the ones in formal k-12 education.  This is why recurring cycles happen. Until I figured out the areas of myself that needed extra attention, I was still meeting the same person with the same lesson, just from a different human. I will never forget Adam. When I was a middle school teacher about a lifetime ago, Adam and his friend were in the same section of my Spanish I class. The two were complete opposites, but they tried not to be. ...

Life has become relatively calm.  I admit I made some drastic changes after some pretty difficult challenges these past several months which included the two main areas of my life: my job, my daughter. It amazes me that buried memories come out to the surface when you least expect them. It's like playing hide and seek, only you're hiding for 40 years and you surely don't want to seek what it is that has been in hiding. Ha! Three years ago, I made the decision to be a backer to a project that I was so proud of becoming a small part of as an executive producer. It is a film short called Grummy. It wouldn't be until three years later, after having my daughter that I actually recalled my own experiences as a child, and understanding the reason why I found myself so compelled at that time three years ago to be part of making sure that this story was made. Childhood abuse is not uncommon, it is actually so commonplace that it's scary. You'll know what I'm talking ...

You have to make a conscious decision that you will not live your life to promote your trauma. It's actually one of the main reasons I am working on my personal baggage and taking ownership in how I approach relationships. And by approach, I have nothing to do with them at the moment; the romantic ones. In the past, I tried to establish boundaries far too late. I didn't know I was actually able to have boundaries and that those boundaries were able to be respected without question. It was high time I began understanding I needed to reconcile certain aspects of my trauma that I had never acknowledged to being a problem. Going to therapy, talking about it constructively, and not using it as an excuse for bad behavior is essential to growing healthy relationships. Use trauma as a tool for understanding, a tool for growth, a tool for changing behavior. Evolution doesn't come if you're stuck with your trauma; you will just stay stuck in the same cycles. The same actions resu...

Reflecting on what life is like and all of the phases my life has been through; all of the experiences that I've disclosed of the small glimpse of my life written down here as memories; all of the challenges I've overcome and what I perceived to be successes. It's all just crazy to think that I have walked in places that I wouldn't dream of walking in again; the endless attempts at trying to fit into a world that wasn't for me to fit into; the martyrdom that I so foolishly assigned myself to, as if I signed up for a lifetime course in naivete 101.  I remember the exquisite dinner menus written on placards that consisted of 5 courses and included with each course would be its own generous portion of signature wine tastings. The stunning intricate ice sculptures that when the bartenders served a martini, they poured the contents of the martini down the ice sculpture where it would travel to its base for a show stopping performance with the perfectly chilled martini be...

I'm sitting here getting my tires replaced because, well, they needed to be replaced. I had put it off for quite some time, and now that one of them has a steady leak, I bit the bullet and decided to just replace them all.  I brought work with me because I wasn't exactly sure how long it would take, so I sat down in an area where I could at least respond to emails. Just a couple of minutes after I sat down, a man with his one year old son sat down beside me. He was feeding him, spilled some of his coffee, was all thumbs until he regrouped and began feeding him again. It was so precious. I offered him some wipes because that's what parents do! But he had plenty. We then began talking about our children. He said he has three; a daughter 11, son 8, and his son he was holding and feeding, just a little over a year old. He was so kind and so patient. You could tell he was mild mannered, loving, caring, genuine. I showed him a picture of my daughter and he said, oh yeah, you can ...

There is so much on my mind that I just want to dump it all out. But I don't even know where to start. Perhaps the mind shift began as soon as I realized how inequitable my current job is and how I made the decision to look for another one, applied to the only position I would consider, and got the job. My current job changed two years ago when the university began its restructuring. I flowed with these changes to be part of a new department. My job title didn't change but they did away with my boss and I got a new one. So instead of being a part of alumni and community engagement, I became part of Academic and Student Affairs. It made sense at the time. As the job shifted, my responsibilities shifted as well. However, things were being added on, but nothing was being taken away. I was soon doing so many things that it became just too much for one person to handle. At least, too much for ME to handle. There has been no time to think, no time for professional development, no tim...

I can't say it's been easy at all. Most days, I feel inadequate, not good enough. But what changes my mind every time those thoughts make me stray is her laughter, her smile, her presence. She chose me. I was chosen! She has changed my life. My daughter has changed my life. My priorities have dramatically shifted. What I was chasing, I no longer chase. What I wanted, I no longer want. The desire to live to work is now my longing to work to live. All I want at this stage in my life is to be with my daughter. Being a single mother is excruciatingly difficult for so many reasons. I am ALWAYS preparing for tomorrow. If I don't, I add on to the exhaustion I feel with trying to keep up with everything. I am making some drastic moves. I am making some drastic decisions. I know what I deserve and what I don't deserve. All I wish for, is to spend as much time with my daughter as I can. I already miss out on 8-9 hours every single day because I have to provide for us. I don't...

Imagine being two people at one time. Imagine that what you portray to the world greatly differs from the one you portray to your closest family members and friends. People outside of that inner circle have no idea of the secrets that happen behind closed doors.  Neurological development happens at the earliest of years for us all. Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years, our brains rely on predictability and consistency. It is what helps us to feel safe in our environment. Take that factor away, and the reaction has a response of altered brain functioning as a result of early childhood abuse and neglect. This means the brain is at its most vulnerable susceptibility to trauma. Our experiences, including our interactions with other people, have a significant impact on how our genetic predispositions are expressed that potentially make a lasting imprint on how we connect to the world.  The organizing framework for children’s development is based on the creation of memories. Wh...

Is it unreasonable to say that we do not choose our own path? Or is the point to realize that the path has been chosen for us and it is up to us to re-discover it? There is nothing permanent about anything. Not even life itself; it is ever changing with one season to the next. Whimsical promises, walking in the clouds. Is it just one big love story without an ending? Oh if only I could see life as one big love story, and just stop looking for something permanent.  You know, the other day, I saw the dove in the same place from when she moved in when I did two years ago. I'm not saying it's the same dove. But she happened to choose the same place where the original nest used to be. She flew off when I saw her. Reminders.  What is this world that I have created?  See...I want to matter to someone. And I want that someone to matter to me; For the right reasons. On the same frequency. I want what I keep putting off. I want what I keep saying "maybe tomorrow" to.  Vulnerab...

The only thing I have ever committed to in my life is my daughter. She is literally the only one.  Hell, there are so many years I hadn't even committed to myself. Years of self-doubt, years of self-sabotage. I even tried being a wife, twice, but I never really committed to being one. I didn't want to be abused by a second person. One was just enough - me. It wasn't until I found out I was pregnant and knew I would be doing it solo, that I committed to myself so I could commit to her.  Every single day that passes, I accept the circumstances in which she came into my life because she is literally the greatest miracle that brings me the greatest joy; a joy that will be unmatched for eternity.  I'm listening to a song by The Weekend that I hadn't heard before until very recently and wow does it resonate with me. It reminds me of my daughter's father, from the perspective of how I used to see life before my awakening happened. He has his own journey. I don't kn...

Have you ever heard of or used the phrase, "People don't change?" I am here to tell you that they do! People either change for the better or for the continuation of their pain-body.  The person who is unhealed, continues to attach to their trauma. It becomes a foundation for the relationships they have built with other people and a main factor in how they relate to them. They begin to seek it out and destroy other people's peace because they thrive on the pain. They cannot help themselves even when other people try to establish boundaries. Boundaries are like kryptonite for the trauma addict. They try to bring others into their drama and chaos when they have no business doing so and may not even be aware that they are doing it. Having not healed, a person most certainly changes. Only, their change continues to add on to the abundance of their unhealed trauma. It changes the person to become even more toxic.  The person who is on the path to healing, changes as well. T...

What is your muse? Everyone has one. At least, from my experience, it seems like everyone does. It can change from time to time. It can be a thing or a person. My muse. My muse are some pretty amazing memories in time that I have kept with me, safeguarded in my heart. You know, those memories that take your breath away. The memories that you just don't forget. A person, an experience. When I look back, it's those memories that made me believe that love exists, however obscure it got within my own circumstances. They kept me going just by me knowing that it happened. It renews my faith every time I take time to look back. Certainly, we are told never to look back because we aren't going that way. But you know what? For me, I need to look back. It makes me evaluate my bullshit mentality that I grew up with and shows me how much I have changed. From one day to another, I keep looking back for consistency. I look back for follow through, for unconditional love. So many experien...

There have been a lot of changes to my life recently. A lot of them, unspoken about. I think it is simply because of the intensity of the change. I haven't felt a lot of emotion recently. I think most of it is being translated into this physical pain that I have been dealing with.  I assume this indifference is felt throughout all of my relationships with the questions that I've been asked lately.  I have been feeling inadequate. It's not like me. And perhaps inadequate isn't quite the right word to choose. Confused. Maybe. Maybe confused.  When I say that a lot has been happening, I'm not over exaggerating. As a result, I have begun a life evaluation. I have to. I need to take a moment to step back and look at my life from the outside in. And with it comes the reality of people and experiences that I have had to face the truth with.  I recently had a conversation with a person who is becoming a good friend of mine. We discussed addiction, we discussed mental illnes...

I just saw my dad. As soon as he spoke, I knew. He called me Pido. His pet name for me. I don't think he will experience 2021. These tears are caused by a life review. I have always wanted a father. I have always wanted a father who was present, engaged, communicative. I have always wanted a family. I don't even know what parents are. Are they the two sick, broken people that made me? The two people who tortured each other, abused each other, hated each other, but believed in until death do us part? How do you mourn over someone you don't even know? I suppose it's the same way I mourned over the man that is my daughter's father.  My God this year has been hard for so many reasons.  I tend to look at life as positive as possible. It's what makes me, me.  This life review has made me think about everything. It has made me want to reach out to my daughter's father, to tell him that my daughter won't even know her grandparents, that perhaps she could know he...

Some of the biggest changes to my life have come that moment I knew I would become a mom. I knew that what I had been doing was not exactly what I could be proud of. I had internal work to begin again, even while I was pregnant. I learned how to take care of myself. I nourished my body with plenty of water, I took my vitamins, prepared beautiful meals, catered to my body; all because of my little girl. The awakening happened. The being born again happened.  I joined a church and found God.  I learned what it means to be assertive and to establish boundaries. And if a person violates those boundaries, they are removed from my life, without explanation. I don't owe anyone anything.  Now I choose. Me. I choose.